My Lovely David

My lovely David,

I haven't written you a letter for a while. I'm writing because I mess you so badly my stomach is aching. Sometimes I ache for you so badly I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm crazy, like those whiny, needy girls in movies that the guys always try to get rid of. I'm writing parly to stop myself from calling since I spent the entire day with you and i already called once and it's late anyway. Besides, I got the feeling you were a little annoyed with me today. It could just be Osore, but... Sam and Jordan are going through a stage in which they're on each other's nerves. Mom says it's a normal stage that happens after two years. When she told me, I thought how we could get through soemthing like that, especially if we knew it was coming after a couple years. But now I'm a little paranoid. What if it happens sooner -- if you get annoyed with me sooner than two years does that mean that you're not going to want to be with me? It's so scary. I worry that if I force you to guess the problems with that you're going to leave me after a while. I have this feeling I'm going to lose you. It could be Osore, but it could also be a legitimate concern. So, if it will help, I'm going to tell you exactly what happened yesterday.

Wednesday night after I dropped you off at home I started to miss you horribly -- worse than usual. So, I decided to go online to see if you were on. This was after I decided to a few times not to call because I knew you'd be talking to your mom and you don't get to spend much time with her, so I didn't want to interrupt. Then, it got late, so I thought I'd get on Facebook. You were on, but idle and I did't want to talk to you first because I was afraid I would be annoying you, since it would be your time to talk to your online friends. So to make sure, I though I'd wait until you spoke to me to make sure you really wanted to talk to me. So, I commented on your status about Azudaioh and messed around a little. That's when Ashley commented on what I had said. And, for some reason I thought she was making fun of me -- then I wasn't sure. The thought that me, your girlfriend, wouldn't be liked by your other friends hit me and I was scared of what pain that would cause you. It would be awful. then I started feeling left out a little because I could see how much fun you have with them and it reminded me that there are parts of your life that I haven't begun to be part of. So, I thought about how it would be nice if I started being friends with them too and we could all be a happy circle of friends. But i was reminded of my uncertainty whether Ashley was making fun of my comment and felt embarrassed again. Then you logged off and I stayed on another half hour just putting off going to bed 00 maybe stayin gup so late actually contributed to my weird emotional-ness yesterday.

So, yesterday, I was thinking about that whole thing when I remembered we couldn't spend Sunday together like normal and I really, really wanted to see you before you left for camp. But, of course, I didn't want to invite you out so soon -- the same thing as waiting on FB until you talked to me -- to make sure you really wanted to be with me.

AND I'M JUST FILLED WITH DOUBT AND CRAP AND I'M TIRED AND I MISS YOU AND I FEEL LIKE I'M LOSING MY MIND!

I guess it just boils down to I'm feeling really insecure about myself and I'm SO afraid I'm going to irritate you and you'll leave me.

I feel like I need you to tell me you love me, but you did all day today. So, it must be something wrong with my head. Like the pipes are clogged or something.

David, you're so amazingly precious to me. Look up the word "precious" and apply that to you smile, you laugh, your music, the smell of your face, the way I fit when I lay my head on our shoulder, apply it to your jokes, your silly little songs you make up about random things, how you geek out about the musical correctness in K-ON!, the way you look at me when I say something stupid like "I'm so ugly", the way you laugh when I hiccup and give me muwaasens, the blush in your cheeks Wed. when I stared into your eyes, the way you give up a day of relaxing and playing guitar to be with me, how you blow in my nose, how you care enough to spend hours trying to find out what's wrong so you and I can get past it, get past it and hold each other, kiss each other, move toward our future, our marriage, get past the idiotic crap I think will hurt you, break our beautiful relationship -- but I underestimate you! You're so much stronger! Youre so wise! So strong! You're a man, David! A powerful, gentle but reckoning man.

(I'm sorry... I'm getting stunned by you -- I mean, turned on, but not in such crass words -- something amazing! More significant than how we talk about it, something eart-shattering! I feel your love changing me as I sit here. Suddenly I feel strong. I don't know what's happening. David, it's seriously strange. An my heart is either frozen or beating so fast I can't detect it.
I think I just had an epiphany.

David, I love you more strongly than I thought. I love you, with such potency that my worries seen. So stupid. So insignificant. Like a mosquito hit by a Hummer going 250 mph!

None of this piddling shit matters -- not nearly as much as it seemed. David, I'm confident in my love for you. Confident that we'll make it a lifetime, stage of annoyance be damned! And if your love for me ever diminished, my love for you is so strong that I'll just continue to love you so brazenly that it'll be enough for our relationship to be okay until you love me more again!

David, I have so many fears. The biggest is losing you, especially through my own stupid actions! But, I have the love for you that's need to be forever. If you'll have me,

I'll be with you forever,
always,

My sunshine! My only sunshine....

I love you,

Emily